I grew up with an older brother who was not really drawn to make-up, and a mother whose beauty regime went about as far as moisturising or using a stick of deodorant. There was a battered tin of “stage makeup” in our bathroom cupboard that had dried up and had started to crack, and she owned one mascara that used to make sporadic, nervous appearances when she was off to a party. My mum’s pure refusal to pick up a razor created its own ethnographic proof that the less you shave, the less you need to.
I want to be very clear that now in reflection, I am so grateful that I had a woman in my life who never made me feel like I needed to alter anything about my appearance. However, as a little girl and long before the age of YouTube tutorials – the world of feminine beauty was a mystery to me. Lipstick was a sophisticated object to marvelled at, I had no idea what foundation was, and nail varnish (most of which ended up over the carpet) was about as far as I ventured. Let’s just say I was a little late to the party in learning the do’s and do-not’s of the beauty world.
So, if you wanted a little chuckle I thought I would round up just some of the horrendous errors tried and tested by me and never to be repeated:
- Cutting off my own eyelashes. A girl in my class at school told me if you cut of your eyelashes they grow back twice as thick. That night I took the scissors to my eyelashes in the hope for fuller, longer lashes. Disclaimer: it’s not true, they do not grow back thicker, you just have a few months eyelashes-less until they do grow back with people searching your face to understand what has changed.
- Black eyebrows. One of my Dutch friends who looks a bit like Margot Robbie and has equally beautiful dark eyebrows that juxtapose with her blonde hair kindly offered to dye my eyebrows for me. Using a home kit. Let’s just say the look did not look the same on me as it did for her and I looked perpetually surprised but also cross at the same time.
- The fake tan. I have a mate called Anna who is a pro in the beauty arena. Everytime I go to hers she tells me to help myself to anything in her beauty cabinet, and I turn into a child, take this literally and put about 12 different things on at once. One summer, without reading the instructions I used her Isle of Paradise face tan. Had I read said instructions I would have realised that you need to only add a few drops to your moisturiser. I used the fake tan as if it was moisturiser. I turned a strange shade of patchy orange that developed throughout the day with people asking what was going on with my face. I have not lived it down.
- The Epilator bikini line. My mother kindly bought me an epilator for my birthday when I was around 16/17. I decided to use it on all areas including my bikini line. I remember screaming in agony for my mother to come upstairs. She had to help me to free certain parts that had got caught in said epilator whilst trying not to laugh. I have not epilated again since. Our bond strengthened that day.
- Cutting my own fringe: Or better yet, getting someone else to cut my fringe in the queue to Koko’s in Camden. Never cut your own fringe no matter how many tequilas you’ve downed.
- The natural suncream. Being a boho hippie I bought myself some natural hemp suncream off the internet and smugly smothered it over my arms and legs on a holiday with friends, studying their tubes of chemical-full creams and tutting. My hemp suncream did not work. I went the same colour as my luminous orange t-shirt and couldn’t sleep on my tummy for a week.
- Dyeing my own hair pink. Never dye your hair on the cheap. I wanted a light pink hint and ended up more lobster-meets-beetroot and pinkish pillow cases.
- Egg white hair mask. Just do not do this, no matter how many beauty bibles tell you to. The egg cooks in your hair in the shower and you turn into a human breakfast.